a working part of the mind…

I leaned softly back, 

and felt the breeze embrace the beaded sweat on the nape of my neck.

I had a thing for these sticky July nights

spent lazily on the porch swing.

If I sat all the way back, 

the tips of my toes only just brushed the worn, and weathered wood of our wrap around deck.

In the distance as dusk settled down around the orchard by the road,

the night’s first star appeared.

I crept quickly to the kitchen,

and refilled my fresh mint iced tea,

hurrying excitedly back to my seat.

This was my favorite part.

The stars appeared in patterns,

slowly at first,

as the sky steadily faded from blue to velvet black,

like fog clinging heavily to water.

It was a beautifully conducted symphony,

each part complimenting the next,

and before I knew it- just like every night preceding-

it was done.

The world beckoned me to bed,

but the dazzling glow of the miraculous performance had stirred me to life,

and I slipped on my sandals to wander the warm dark.

Perhaps this is why I’ve always had trouble sleeping.

She rolled her stockings from her thighs to the tip of her toes.

Without an audience, her movements were tired, and sloppy.

Relieved she no longer had anyone to impress

she threw on an oversized t-shirt, and sweat pants.

Washing off her make-up, and tying back her hair had become the calm, cleansing highlight of her otherwise wildly packed evenings

performing for hordes of lonely older men. 

It was not without pleasure or reward on her part,

though it was not the glitz, glamour, and stardom of the Broadway stage she had dreamed of as a child.

It is what it is.

You told me you wanted to hurt me.

That I had been the worst thing that had ever happened to you, 

and you wanted me to understand the depth of that pain.

You told me that you loved me,

that no one would ever love me more.

You erased my past, because you hadn’t been a large enough part of it.

You claimed my future- 

trying to make certain no one else could have me.

You controlled my present, 

kept me close, 

just the way you wanted. 

And I let it happen.

And I hate you for it.

As soon as I establish footing,

you change the course.

Left alone screaming in the dark

I wonder what is real.

Second guessing what I knew to be true,

I throw violent tantrums in my head.

I open my eyes to see a brick wall,

erected overnight. 

As I left my gaze to upward, 

the top vanishes beyond the clouds.

I don’t have time to wonder why,

patience to express these feelings,

or a desire in this moment to be heard.

So I sit patiently,

and wait for the moon, and her direction.

Your smile tears through my mind like wildfire,

crowding out all other thought.

You were close enough to touch,

but I dare not.

You glanced up at me every few minutes 

as if to say you were unsure it was real as well.

And that smile,

dear lord, that smile-

It set my heart aflame. 

It was valentines day 2005. 

She had buried her love the summer before,

and so here she sat, 

on the hardwood floor in a new house, in a new town.

 Alone. 

Alone with her thoughts, 

alone with her heart,

alone with herself.

She reached into her pocket and pulled out a fresh razor blade.

Standing in front of the mirror she felt strange.

Nothing about her resembled the woman she had been in August of the year before.

Her hair was short, and blonde,

her clothes hanging limp on her skeletal figure.

Her make up was running now, as she held the razor blade steadily in her hand.

B-R-O-K-E-N.

Held between her collar bones, and the tops of her breasts,

the word shone red. 

She laid down for a minute to rest, and unscrewed the cap on the bottle of wild turkey beside her.

It was going to be a long night. 

She had no desire to wake the next morning,

but life was not that merciful.

She rinsed the blood from her chest, threw on a shirt that she made sure would show her pain to the world,

and walked slowly out of the house to do it all over again. 

She wanted death, but it seemed as always to be hiding from her,

laughing as it watched from somewhere behind the trees,

as she suffered through this empty existence. 

I woke up and the world looked different.

something had shifted in the night.

Outside my window the sky was still gray, solid, impenetrable, and unfriendly.

Inside however things felt warm and open.

he knocked, and I turned the handle on the heavy door.

we stood there face to face, and our eyes met.

in the sunlight my naked body was warm.

I turned back around, but left the door slightly cracked.

the clouds parted long enough for me to see.

I was going the wrong direction.

He came to me all dressed in black,

The cigarette smoke clinging gently to his vest.

when we hugged my feet lifted slightly off the pavement.

we sat across from each other

Spilling our dark pasts out into the night over tea and coca-cola.

there was something about his eyes.

I moved from the chair to the bed then back again,

Completely unable to make up my mind about any of it.

My body remained in a state of unrest as it had since we met.

I didn’t mind the lack of sleep.

chipping away at this man seemed more important.

I just needed to know.

everything.

How come I can pick my ears
but not my nose
who made up that rule anyway
how can you say that’s the way it is
that’s just the way it goes
why don’t you decide for yourself
what you can do
and what you can say

how come I can pick my friends
but not my enemies
what is it about me that offends
what is it about me
’cause you know I’m only five foot two
and I’m giggly wiggly
tell me again, what did I do
why are you scared of me
I fight with love
and I laugh with rage
you’ve gotta live light enough
to see the humour
and long enough to see some change

I think shy is boring
I think depressed is too
I think pretty is nice
but I’d rather see something new
all these plastic people
got their plastic surgery
but we got a big big beautiful
we got it for free
who you gonna be
if you can’t be yourself
you can’t get it from t.v.
you can’t force it on
anybody else

you know they come to clear cut
they come to strip mine
they come for some of my big butt
my big brain
or just a little time
they wanna take me out to dinner
think I’m a bitch if I don’t go
seems like the people who actually like me
won’t allow me to say no
your idea of a conversation
is the third degree
but I don’t really know you
and I don’t really want to talk about me

’cause I’m not going to pretend
that I don’t pick my nose
that’s just the way it is, my friends
that’s just the way it goes
this is who I am
what I do
and what I say
if you like it, let it be
if you don’t, please do the same
I fight with love
I laugh with rage
you gotta live light enough to see the humour
and long enough to see some change

The waves break against the shore

and retreat back to the heart

leaving behind

a silk smooth coating atop the sand.

As it is with the ocean

so it is within me.

I roll forward,

I fall back. 

I am whole when I break down,

and clean when I return to my heart.